Stopping the insanity...

I guess I drank caffeine too late and I could not get to sleep last night. When I finally did, my little one came in wanting a drink of water. :/ I was just SO exhausted when I got up this morning. And Mondays? Suck ten kinds of ass. We have to be up extra early on Mondays for choir practice. So today I dropped the kids off, came back home and went back to bed. I feel much better now. I'm just trying to wake up a little so I can hit the gym.

My eating was not so good yesterday. I did the best I could but we were on the road to pick up the kids from the grandparents and they took us to this nasty restaurant. It was a buffet and the "vegetables" were frightening. The only leafy green ones were greens, which I was sure were cooked in fat, and salad. Iceberg lettuce kind of salad. So I had a chicken breast and pulled off the skin and iceberg lettuce sprinkled with oil and vinegar as there was no light salad dressing offered. Tasty. :p

I get to cook Thanksgiving dinner this year. So I can make some low-fat dishes and reduce the damage. Because I will have pecan pie. Oh yes. I just found a recipe for pecan pie with only 29% of calories from fat. Go me. I can make MY day low fat if no one else's and yet still have all of my favorites! Excellent.

I had to go to this reading thing at my Kindergartener's school last night and they served Chick-Fil-A. I got a bit of chicken and some grapes, skipped the chips and cookies. I checked the nutrition info this morning and yikes. Hopefully, I offset the fat some with the grapes. LOL But I see how my mindset helps me overall. I wasn't sure about the chicken but I knew I had to eat. However, I skipped some really bad items I normally would have gone ahead and eaten, ya know, since I was "being bad" anyway. And very likely, as part of my overall day, it probably still worked out to keep me at under 30% of total calories from fat. Which would NOT have happened if I'd gone ahead on the junk food. *jumps up and down* It's making sense again! I get it!

And OMG, my cat just tried to jump in my lap, failed and dug in to keep himself from falling. Excuse me while I go bleed to death...

I know I am posting a lot but I am just really fired up right now. Do you know that I used to sneak air-popped corn into the movies? All of this stuff I used to do is just flooding back into my memories today. And I am in awe. I would be amazed at anyone doing what I did but I am just "omg wow that was ME" giddy right now. Isn't it crazy that I forgot all about that lifestyle? I guess once I reached my goal my lifestyle just eroded over time and I lost that dedication.

I have felt really awesome today. Part of that is freedom from tracking. I hate tracking so much that I tend not to do it and then if I am not tracking, I think what does it matter what I eat and it's just a continuous self-defeating cycle for me. Now though, I just check my fat %age and thats it. I still will continue to follow all of those other goals/guidelines I set for myself - e.g eating whole grains and avoiding the refined stuff, avoiding HFCS, all of that still matters to me. But I do feel sort of unencumbered now.

It's hard to explain exactly how this works, I just know that it does. Explaining it in its entirety would (and does) fill a book. Oh and just a note, this isn't about eliminating fat. It's about keeping my overall percentage of calories from fat under 30%. And I do that by evaluating everything I eat. For example, I had a turkey bacon sandwich for breakfast. Turkey bacon on a whole wheat bagel with lettuce and tomato. The turkey itself is not a lowfat product but the sandwich as a whole is. See how that works? I think I'll be more conscientious this time around about making sure that the fats I do eat are the good ones. I've learned much in 13 years and that should only make this work even better I would think.

So yesterday, after my aha moment, I did some soul searching. What made that time when I did Stop the Insanity (STI) different from my low fat efforts that have followed? There are a couple of things. Firstly, at that time, food manufacturers had not yet jumped on the reduced fat bandwagon. So there was no low fat cheese or cookies or any of that stuff that you convince yourself is healthy because it is low in fat. LOL

Secondly, and more importantly I think, I was hardcore. I mean it was serious business. And until yesterday I had really forgotten that. But back then if I ordered a salad that came with cheese I removed it, I didn't eat the chips if we went out for Mexican, I ordered fish grilled with no butter or oil. I could tell you a low fat item to eat on just about every restaurant menu. Of course I cooked that way too. I made low fat brownies, low fat lasagna. I even, and I am not kidding, cooked a low fat Thanksgiving dinner.

Hard. Core.

I worked out a lot. At first I did aerobics and some light weights at home using the STI videos. Then I joined a gym, a real gym, with bodybuilders. And they thought I was adorable, LOL, and taught me all about strength training. We'd be doing bicep curls, me with five pounds, them with 60 or whatever. Heh! It was lots of fun.

So I realize now that my low-fat attempts over the years have gotten more and more blah, or should I say less and less hardcore.

An epiphany. A light bulb going off over my head, or as Oprah says, an aha moment. So I don't know if I have ever laid out my weight loss history here. Now seems the time for it. Before I get to that aha moment.

I don't remember ever worrying about my weight until I was about 20 years old. It was then that my first serious boyfriend and I broke up and I was heartbroken. I didn't eat (or do much of anything else) for about a month. And then it was time to go home for Xmas break. Well, apparently in that month I lost about 15 pounds. I am just shy of 5'2" and wasn't really overweight to begin with. I was around the high end of normal. So that 15 pounds was a tremendous difference on me. And the attention, I'll admit, was fun. My mother bought me new clothes, a gorgeous boy I had gone to high school with asked me out, my best friend was jealous.

But that began a struggle with my weight for years to follow. 136 was my normal weight, but I was always trying to get back down around 120. Now I'd pay money to be 136! However, after I got married (and achieved 120 for the wedding in a non-healthy manner) I decided to do this correctly, once and for all. This was at the height of the "Stop the Insanity!" Susan Powter craze. I adored her. So I ordered from the infomercial and began working out and lowering my fat intake and I got in the most fabulous shape ever. And maintained it until pregnancy.

It's been about 14 years and 2 kids and many, many ups and downs. After the birth of my second child I struggled with severe postpartum depression and packed on the pounds, achieving a high weight of 198. Hey, at least I never hit 200. :p And as anyone can tell from reading I have really been searching for a "program" on the eating front.

Today I decided to pop in a Susan Powter CD to listen to while I cleaned. Doh! There is no magic combination of foods, no program, no pill, no doctor or expert that's gonna save me. And the fact that I think there is, and spend my time searching for it, is part of a deliberate effort by the weight loss industry to keep people confused, fat and spending their cash. Clearly, Susan's advice worked for me. And really, what more of a "program" do I need? I have her books from back in the day, I have her cookbooks, I have her current CD series, I have her current yoga and aerobic DVD's. She posts on MySpace all the time.

What am I doing? Why am I making this complicated? What the hell? I know what to do and I have all kinds of support to do it. Hello?

Wake up call.

I feel stupid. And yet empowered at the same time. It's time to stop the insanity.

I am always bothered when someone at the gym wears a strong fragrance near me but today was particularly bad. A man got on the machine next to me and it was horrible. If I had had more than five minutes left on my workout I would have moved. My eyes and nose were itchy, I felt like I could "taste" the cologne in my mouth. It made me cough and when I blew my nose afterward there was blood on the tissue. My nose hasn't been irritated at all so it's either from dryness or his cologne. I'm getting a headache now, too. Bleh. The people at the front desk have told me I should say something when someone does it but I just don't think that'll go over very well.

*cough hack die*

I get annoyed by things and feel the need to get it out of my system. So here's today's annoyance. I was checking out the vlog of a gal on youtube who has lost 77 pounds. She lost it in spurts over the course of about four years. She went through a little no carb phase at the beginning and a couple of weeks of "omg I am gonna STARVE it off" but by and large it was all lost via old-fashioned calorie counting and exercise. And lost slowly, she says she generally lost 1-1.5 pounds per week. I am not at all annoyed by her. I thought she was ten kinds of awesome.

I am annoyed by some of the comments she got. And the most annoying of those being the "I don't understand why you don't have folds of skin hanging from your body." Really? Am I just amazingly smart or are these people amazingly dumb? How can you NOT understand the folds of skin thing? Yes, we see it all the time now with the proliferation of weight loss surgery and the after-effects. Do they not get that the folds of skin are not from losing the weight but from losing the weight QUICKLY? Do they not understand that there is a difference in losing 175 pounds in a year or whatever and losing 77 over FOUR. What's not to understand? And I think it mostly annoys me because one person actually said, "That's why I don't want to lose weight." Which makes me think the fear of folds of skin is more a delusion created to excuse oneself from losing weight. Honey, don't lose it if you don't want to. You don't owe anyone an explanation but please don't pretend it's because when people lose weight they have folds of skin hanging from their bodies. Cuz that? Is a crock of shit.

And now I feel better.

Also, I kind of have a hankering to do a vlog now...

ETA: I saw a fellow that lost 400 pounds the old-fashioned way, bless him. And he did indeed have folds of skin hanging. However, I think we can all agree there's a vast difference in losing 77 pounds and losing FOUR HUNDRED.

I have to keep praising the working out that I do (even if I did skip today) because I am really seeing and feeling some benefits from it. My mood is tremendously better. And I have actually been "in the mood" much to my husband's delight. My energy levels are up, I feel good. Got nothin' to SHOW for it body wise, but hey, it's worth it just to get what I am getting.

I skipped today because my husband took the kids to school and hey, I don't often get to sleep in. So I got up and fixed breakfast and lunch and then crawled back in my nice, warm bed. Maybe I'll try to go later before I pick them up.

Yesterday I sat down and figured out ten meals that I can prepare and that the kids will eat. Well, mainly the youngest one as he is the picky eater from hell. These are also meals that I can make in a healthy manner. And I am going to rotate those ten meals. Indefinitely. I decided to try and eat a heartier breakfast than cereal. So this morning I had a turkey bacon sandwich on a whole wheat bagel. I was stuffed! And the calories aren't any more than the bowl of cereal, so I may be on to something here. I also bought lots of veggies so I can make a big pot of vegetable soup. I love homemade veggie soup, with cabbage, mmmm and it's completely fat free and low in calories. So you can eat bowlfuls of the stuff. Bought some healthy snacks to round it out and I am just going to eat what feels right to me. Some days that is more than others and that's OK. That's natural zig zag dieting or calorie cycling.

So I slept in, I've eaten and I have piddled on the computer for an hour. Now I need to clean house!

I'm getting bored with the bike and I was eyeballing the Arc Trainer today. I might try it out tomorrow and see how my back feels. I have a really solid eating plan in the works. I am not even going to try and start it until Thursday however, as I have too much shit going on today and tomorrow. It's a little easier to adapt when you have been doing something for a couple of weeks, not a good idea to start something new when the regular routine is completely out of whack. AND my new eating plan has message boards and they're not funky and hard to read. That's good.

Nothing new to report. Spent most of last week being sick. But I feel fine today and so it was back to the gym. That's all, folks!

OK, so of course rationally and logically I know she has just as much right to use that bike as I do. However, it has a water bottle holder that she didn't use. It has a heart rate monitor that she didn't use. It has a wide variety of programs that she didn't use. She got on the nicest damn bike in the gym and sat there mindlessly pedalling at a flat incline. She was so not working out that she got cold and started rubbing her arms and hugging herself. I wanted to smack her and tell her that maybe if she got her heart rate up she wouldn't be cold. But I didn't. I sat there on the stupid bike slowly dehydrating because my water bottle balancing act didn't work and wondering about my heart rate because I have been sick. In the end I cut my workout short anyway because I started feeling a little lightheaded and my head was hurting. Probably should have taken today off. I have been sick for the past three days and I did take yesterday off so I didn't want to miss another day. My sources tell me it's OK to exercise if your symptoms are above the neck so I thought I'd give it whirl. Meh.

One important thing I have neglected to mention is that the last time I checked my blood pressure at the grocery store it was normal. That made me very happy. Because if nothing else, I am at least improving my health somewhat.

I almost always have an internal dialogue running and what anyone reading this is seeing is an externalization of that dialogue. The bottom line is that I know how and what to eat. And of course, I struggle with that. But I also have this tendency to read about some "new" way of doing things and think, "Oh wow! That could totally work!" And I start considering it. And then I talk myself out of it. LOL Yesterday I read about the upday downday diet. Essentially, you eat like 500 calories one day and then completely don't worry about calories the next, alternating back and forth. And I started thinking about it, but then I read a message from a long-termer on the program and weight loss is comparable to any other "program," 1-2 pounds per week. Well, of course it is. And that was just a smack upside the head that I don't have to do anything weird like that, just keep fighting the good fight and doing what I am doing. Next week I really want to make an effort to eat well and see if I can drop a few more pounds. And if I just cannot make myself behave then I suppose I am going to have to try calorie tracking again. How I loathe it. :p

So I finally got back on track with eating yesterday. And mind you, I had been watching the scale while I was off. Today I weighed in with a gain. Oh you crazy body, you kidder you! LOL

No, seriously, I just need to journal I think and be conscious of what I am eating. I hate the keeping track and counting calories SO MUCH. And therefore, if I want to not have to do those things I am going to have to discipline myself to be very mindful of food. And that's OK because I can't track my food or count calories for the rest of my life anyway.

So all in all, my goals with regard to eating haven't changed except for the fact that I am not going to count calories right now. And as far as calorie cycling, I think if one eats according to hunger that just happens naturally. I know I have days like yesterday where I just don't eat a whole lot and others when I am ravenous. Follow the hunger cues but make the choices healthy. Again, I am in no hurry here, so however long it takes me to get this going just right is fine. And I know it can be done this way because I've done it. In my lowfat heyday where the fat grams were the only litmus test for whether or not something went into my body. Oh Pop Tarts and Froot Loops, how I loved you, LOL.

What I would really, really like is a nice weight loss "support group." I've joined some communities on here. None are terribly active and I get annoyed real quick by the posts from the skinny people wondering why they can't lose any more weight. They tend to be a lot of weigh-ins and intros and very little substance. I created one of my own but it is extremely inactive as well. I search for ones on YahooGroups but finding one that is a good fit for my philosophies and active is like finding a needle in a haystack. I tend to really dislike the format of most message boards, they're hard to read. Just goes to show what a hard road this is to travel...

Not a "good" week in the eating department. I continue to console myself with the fact that I am continuing to work out 5x/week. I may just leave my eating alone and bump up the exercise next week and see what happens. If I could lose by exercise alone, I would be a happy happy camper. But I will more than likely work on the eating again, I just get frustrated by it.

Oh fucking grrrr. I just went back to find an old post in a weight loss community because I wanted to tell the person something. So I go to her personal journal and she is a size 2. She wears an XS. Um, OK, yeah size 14 varies person to person. But unless you're like 3 feet tall, it's really hard to be fat and a size 2. So I didn't tell her. Because I was pissed. And I am also pissed because that used to be me. Oh I am so fat in my size 2 jeans. Can I just get back in the single digits???

OK, moving on. So I am on to something with this Wendie plan, aka calorie cycling or zigzag dieting. See, I do this. I pick and choose different elements from different "diet plans" and cobble something together. Then I feel guilty for some dumbass reason, like I am not following any one plan to the T so I am doing something "wrong." So. Dumb. I absolutely should personalize a program for myself based on what works for me.

So anyway, this isn't the old "pro-ana" tip of 200-400-600-likeomg800. I found a chart that converts the points into calories. I've been trying to stay in that 1700 range (which WW apparently gives to 250-275 lb. people!) and so on my super high day I could eat 2250 calories. Oh bliss! LOL Seriously? I was thinking about this today as I drove about town. I don't think that I eat (or was eating prior to making an effort), that poorly. We drink skim milk, I generally have cereal for breakfast, soup or leftovers for lunch and the leftovers are from the fairly healthy and nutritious dinners I cook. We eat out a lot on the weekends sometimes. But I read about people who have like candy in the house and eat boxes of Twinkies and go out at midnight for a snack. And if I did that stuff I could understand my size but I don't! I eat fairly well, again, which is why I think I have been maintaining effortlessly for so long. So as far as what I eat goes, there isn't a whole lot to change. And there is a big appeal in just continuing to exercise or even taking that up a notch and leaving the eating alone. My thought today was, well, 5 pounds a month will have me around 150 by the end of the school year and ya know what? 150 ain't half bad... So the calorie cycling, well, that might be just the trick for me to not feel like I am hungry and keep my metabolism guessing. Combine that with Bob's rules and throw in Susan's fat formula and this sounds pretty good to me...

I don't think I will ever understand the human body. I have read a million books on weight loss and nutrition but my experiences often don't match up. The other day was bad, I did better yesterday but still not 100% back on track. And I lost a pound. O_o I know that's why I shouldn't weigh every day but curiosity gets the better of me. So anyway, I was 198.5 back at the end of August when I started working out. And I weighed in on day 2, I think, of my attempts to eat better and was 194. But then the next day I was up to 195ish (195 or 195.5) and stayed there. Every day. Until I ate poorly and then I finally dropped down to 194. NO SENSE! 194 two days in a row, following two days in a row of not eating so carefully.

And now today, I feel normal again. Meaning, not so hungry, not wanting to eat treats. Maybe I should plan a day off every week. Maybe I should do the varying calories trick, like the Wendie plan that some WW people do? Maybe I should just really try to let go and learn to trust my body to tell me when it wants to eat? But keep imposing the no food before bedtime rule? I don't know. Maybe the eating has nothing to do with it at this point and I am losing because of the exercise. After all, I wasn't eating totally crazy in the first place. I haven't been gaining weight in a long time. I already done gained it. y'all. LOL

Stuff to think about...

What a crap day. I just felt weak and tired, even after going to the gym. I ate more than I should have and I didn't really care. :/ I've decided to chalk it up as one of those days and get back on the horse tomorrow. And lucky me, I have a busy couple of days ahead.

That's how I feel today. Today was the first day that I just plain did not feel like going to they gym. So, I went anyway. Yay me. Don't feel any better for it physically but emotionally I am proud of myself for sticking to it. I did get a new "pet" bike today. There are four identical bikes and then three randomly different ones. Of those three, only one has a back which I really needed today. And the four were taken so I hopped on this one. Wow, so much better. Comfier seat, a spot for my water bottle and my little wallet thing I carry. A ton of program choices. Yeah, dat's my new bike.

And speaking of my back, I must start doing yoga. I feel so tight that it is not even funny.

A couple of them actually but both related to weight...

So, I'm a little bit of a Valerie Bertinelli fan and so I've been watching her Jenny Craig commercials. One came on this morning and I decided to check in on her blog. There she talked about the paparazzi taking swimsuit pictures of her. Being the nosy type, I began Googling. What I first ran across were various people lamenting the labeling of a size 14 woman as fat. Because apparently, in these people's worlds, all people are the exact same height. Do people just not comprehend that size is relative to height? That Valerie, who is like 5'0" I think, is going to look quite different at size 14 than some 5'7" person? Now, this isn't to say that being fat is a bad thing. I personally don't like it, I get that some people don't care, it's all good to me. But if she wants to lose a few pounds, why get angry and claim she's not fat just because she is "size 14" and so are you? Maybe you are six inches taller than she? It matters.

Then I located the pictures, accompanied by, yes you guessed it, people horrified by her fatness. For the love of pete, you cannot win in this world. There's a segment of people claiming she's not even fat and another segment offended by her mere presence because she's not bikini perfect. That's rant the second. Britney Spears is "fat." Nicole Richie is too thin. Apparently, there is a tiny window of perfection and you are villified if you aren't in it. But then, as soon you do something to try to fit in that window you get burned at the stake for it. It's beyond ridiculous.